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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 14, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PST

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(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> he's got four stars, he's written a book on counterinsurgency, he's the acknowledged expert in the world. he's one of the greatest generals america has ever produced. and yet he can't keep his pants captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh is snupt tonight, do government officials make good role models for our kids? well, they don't make good role models for our adults. (laughter) and my guest, former speaker newt gingrich has a new novel
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about george washington. i cannot tell a lie-- i have not read it. (laughter) duke university has developed a working invisibility cloak. now the blue devils quiddich team will be unstoppable! (laughter) this is the "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report." chausz (cheers and applause)
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thank you, thank you so much for joining us. please, nation, we have a big show tonight. my guest is none other than former presidential candidate and current moon governor newt gingrich. (laughter) two titans of south carolina politics going head to head. but who can forget when gingrich swept the south carolina republican primary and i ran for president of the united states of south carolina. (cheers and applause) sadly, sadly, folks, i had to suspend my campaign on the technicality that i do not want that job and it does not exist. (laughter) but, folks, all that's behind us now. presidential elections of 2012 is finally over. after two years of relentless poll analysis, electoral map swiping, undecided voter dial testing and being forced to use the word "cuyahoga" in a sentence --
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(laughter) -- we can finally take a breather. just relax with a nice soothing cup of camomile breeze and just let it all -- >> do you think it's too early to talk about 2016? we don't think so. (gunshot) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: (bleep) you! i've had it! i'm a human being goddamnit! i have rights! can't we just move on to some other aspect of our lives? not everything is a constant contest for political advantage! america's facing some serious problems! there are times to run and then there are times to govern! we need to come together, let it
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go, move on, god! (applause) (laughter) so what are the numbers? >> the public policy polling survey asked iowa democrats and republicans last week whond they would like to see as their nominee. for the democrat, hillary clinton the overwhelmingly top pick. 58%. followed by joe biden. for the republicans, their top favorites mike huckabee, chris christie, marco rubio, paul ryan. >> stephen: yes, 2016 is on! (laughter) which means any moment now arizona should be finished counting their 2012 ballots. (laughter) now, folks, i've got to tell you, this 2016 thing is really pre-heating up. but i say why stop at 2016? (laughter) i need to know the early favorites for 2020. (cheers and applause) how is chelsea clinton stacking up against tag romney? (laughter) more importantly, will tag be able to ward off a last-ditch
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challenge by mitt romney? (laughter) oh, he's running. and as america's premier news reader, it's my duty to stay way way ahead of these races. that's why tonight i am proud to launch my coverage of election: 2072, race to the white or. (cheers and applause) brought to you by virtual olive garden. (laughter) when you're technically not here you're family. (laughter) now, so far, in 2072 looks like it's going to be a matchup between robocheney versus a swarm of sentient nano hornets. those nano hornets are going to be tough to beat, folks, because i hear this weekend they were swarming an iowa pancake breakfast. (laughter) and like my colleagues all across cable news, i will stay on this story before it ever happens. (laughter) now, folks, the if i pass
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judgment like i passed kidney stones it's going to hurt like hell and you'll be walking funny. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up, folks, happy duali which i'm sure i don't have to tell you is the hindu festival of light. a five-day holiday starting today on dontera, celebrated on the 13th lunar day of krishna paksha of the hindu calendar month of ushwin. celebrated on the second lunar day of the hindu calendar month of partheek. you know, duali. (cheers and applause) folks, we've all already been bombarded by duali commercials for weeks now. at least until we've taken down
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the vijay dashami decorations. dali is when hindu families light clay lamps and set firecrackers to scare away evil spirits and occasionally fingers. (laughter) they may come to an end because the indian president is calling for a pollution free diwali with bangalore asking citizens to refrain fire from fireworks after 10:00 p.m. to limit air and noise pollution. folks, my tandoori pot doth boil over with rage paneer. so i'm giving a wag of my finger to the president of india. folks, this jerk is just another liberal non-believer ruining the true meaning of diwali. first they took the christ out of christmas. next they're taking the christ out of diwali.
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i'm pretty sure he's in there someplace. these people worship a lot of gods. they're going to leave out the one who's famous? i don't think so. what's next, a set of wishing someone the traditional dwali ki haardeek shum? you're going to have to wish them a happy holiday? not on my watch. next up, did you know that as we speak millions of american men do not have an erection? (laughter) it's true. it's true. that's why i'm giving a big tip of my hat to scientists in brazil who have discovered an alternative erectile dysfunction drug derived from the venom of the banana spider. (laughter) you see they tested the drug and find that it helped helderly rodents overcome erectile dysfunction. at last, a solution to the dwindling rat population.
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(laughter) ladies and gentlemen -- (cheers and applause) the drug has not been approved for humans just because banana spider venom causes loss of muscle control, breathing problems, paralysis and painful erections in men. so you might die, but at least your family won't have to shell out for a tombstone. (laughter) finally folks, i'm no fan of "sesame street". they expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting. (laughter) but in a recent segment, the supreme court justice sonia sotomayor, these puppetgandaist went too far. >> we're here to tell you all about the word career.
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>> i want a career as a princess. a rear! tada! >> abbey, pretending to be a princess is fun, but it is definitely not a a rear. remember, a a rear is a job that you train and prepare for and that you plan to do for a long time >> oh, you're right. i guess a princess isn't really a job. >> no, it's not. >> of course being a princess is a job! (laughter) you really think a pen zell just woke up with that hair? you don't grow a 30-foot braid free of split ends without a very serious conditioning regimen. (laughter) so a wag of my finger at justice sonia sotomayor for crushing the dreams of little girls everywhere. (laughter) you're telling her she can't be a princess because it's a long shot in in this economy any job is a pipe dream. (laughter) ask yourself this: what's more likely, that you'll eat a poisoned apple and awake to the
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kiss of a charming prince or that your english degree will land you a second interview with staples? (laughter and applause) either way you're going to share an apartment with seven roommates. (laughter) so what does justice sotomayor think is a good career. i'll give you one guess. >> do you have a car rear? >> yes, i do. i am a united states supreme court justice. >> okay. than i know what a rear that i want to have. >> what's that? >> career! order in the court! >> oh, abbey, i think you'll make a great, great judge. >> sure, tell little girls to become supreme court justices. never mind that in the court's 220 year history only four women have reached the bench. meanwhile, eight different american women have married princes.
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(cheers and applause) and that is not even including the eight women who married larry king. (laughter) dare to dream, little girls. (laughter) besides the job of princess and supreme court justice, are they really so different? you're both plucked from obscurity, given a lifetime appointment where you hold court wearing fancy robes and you're confined to close quarters with an angry beast. (laughter) we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: we're back, everybody. my guest tonight is the speaker of the house. please welcome newt gingrich! (cheers and applause) thank you, mr. speaker. thanks so much for coming on. well, i'm wanted to have you on for years, thank you for joining me tonight. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: what an honor. one of the most powerful men on earth! >> you? >> stephen: yes! >> i wanted to be here with you. but i understand i'm a day late. >> stephen: and a dollar short. (laughter)
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>> well, several million dollars short but a day late. but i was hoping that ham rove would be able to explain to me what happened last tuesday. >> stephen: my campaign advisor for my super pac, ham rove. >> yes. >> stephen: well, i don't know whether you've heard the whole story, but unfortunately he was eaten by dogs. (laughter) i left him at the floor where the dogs could get at him and the dogs ate him. it was tragic. but unavoidable. >> you can imagine when i learn how old deeply saddened i was at not having his wisdom. >> well, you can have karl rove wisdom. it seems to be just as good. (cheers and applause) >> you know, recent presidential candidate, former speaker of the house, we're honored to have you here. thank you for coming. served in congress for 20 years, also best-selling author of "gettysburg" "pearl harbor" and now "victory at your town." a novel about george washington.
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are you retreating into fiction because reality isn't that good for republicans right now? (laughter) why write fiction about our history. >> because it allows people who think of history as dull --. >> stephen: yes, me. (laughter) >> -- to realize history is about people. it's about the way people make decisions with challenges they face, the tensions they live through. >> stephen: but you wrote this book -- this book just came out. you must have been working on this while you were running for president. >> yes. >> stephen: were you phoning in the campaign or phoning in the book. which is the two? you can't do two things that well. >> well, i didn't. (laughter) >> stephen: oh, that's right, you're not president of the united states. well said. now, why washington for you. what is compelling about this guy? i mean, everybody's into lincoln right now. you've got spielberg's lincoln, you've good doris kearns goodwin lincoln, o'riley wrote about killing lincoln. why is washington your lincoln?
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(laughter) >> well, lincoln's very, very important and well worth studying but the country rest on washington's shoulders. the nature of our institutions, the core of our governing culture. literally the winning of the revolutionary war. and this is guy who people trusted so deeply that you literally could argue they built america around his character and his reputation. >> why didn't he go for king? he could have been, right? he could have been king if he wanted to. >> that was the whole point. when his officers came to him after they won the war and said this is our chance, why don't we march on congress? washington came to see them in a school room and he took out his glasses and put them on to remind them he'd grown old in the service of his country and he read them a brief letter that said "we did not rebel against george iii for me to become george i. and if i were to do that i would betray every single thing we
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fought for. and i think books like this help create an environment for people to say, you know, this is what it means to be an american and this is why we're the only country in the history, you can come from anywhere on the planet and you can learn to be an american. no other country has ever had that capacity. >> stephen: or you could come from our 51st state, the moon base. (laughter) >> i just want to say at some point in the future, hopefully by the time my grandchildren are eligible, we will be back on the moon, you'll broadcast from there, it will be no more strange than it is broadcasting from here, but it will be exciting and you'll like it. >> stephen: well, thank you for reassuring me. (laughter and applause) we're going to take a little break, come back and talk about the campaign a bit, okay? we'll be right back with speaker going riff. stick around. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: we're back with newt gingrich. all right. last tuesday mitt romney did not become president of the united states. you predicted that mitt romney would win in a landslide. what happened? >> well, that's one of the reasons i wanted to come be on the show? >> to confess that you were smoking crack? (laughter) because i thought it would be a landslide, too, but i was smoking crack. (laughter) >> stephen: >> i just knew that i was wrong. >> stephen: you knew you were wrong afterwards, you didn't know you were wrong beforehand.
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>> exactly. but some time tuesday night it occurred to me. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: okay. okay. now in the primaries you called mitt romney a liar and you said that he's fundamentally dishonest and why should we expect him to be honest about anything if he's president. what changed for you when you endorsed him? did you change your feelings about him or did you change your feelings about liars? >> it's a choice between he and obama and i thought for my children and grandchildren's future he was less of a problem than the president was. >> people are saying the conservatives are living in this bubble where we just talk to each other and don't believe in reality and we've got to get outside the bubble. do you believe we're just talking to each other and live in a bubble or do we believe in reality. >> i wrote a piece for politico that ha said republicans and conservatives should stop and analyze this election and think it through because we were wrong and sometimes you have to
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confront reality and you have to ask yourself why was it different than i thought it would be? i'll give you just one example. romney did worse with asian americans than with latino americans. now, nobody on the republican side looked at that and thought about it. that should be very troubling. and, you know, you don't go to a wal-mart or a costco or target and say "the customers are really stupid, they picked the wrong store last week." you go and you say "what is it i didn't understand about what the customer needed? " and you can do it as a conservative. >> stephen: but how do we reach out to the latinos and the his panicos out there when the candidate that we just supported said they should self-deport. that's an unpopular -- we can't just go 180. we can't just say -- >> well, 180 would be self-import. (laughter) >> stephen: which is what they've been doing. that's called crossing the border. that's crossing the border, exactly. >> you can be for controlling
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the border. it's okay. >> stephen: can we talk super pacs for a second? >> if you want to. >> stephen: i had a super pac, you were helped by sheldon adele son who contributed to a super pac in your favor. >> yes. >> do you believe super pacs are the right thing or the wrong thing for america? >> i think america would be much better off to have a very clean, simple election law that says anyone can give any amount of after tax personal income to the candidate as long as they report it every night. i think super pacs as such are, in fact, very dangerous in the long run. when you sigh mayor bloomberg put a million seven hundred thousand into a democratic district in california to beat somebody, there's something fundamentally profoundly wrong about what's happening. and it's happening in both parties and in the long run it's going to be very negative and very disruptive of our system. (cheers and applause) >> there was some talk that -- some people said that one of the
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things that hurt romney is that you and rick santorum were helped by these super pacs and stayed in long enough that kind of bled romney dry, allowed you to attack him, to say these things that i said before and also depleted his campaign coffers. did the super pacs hurt republicans more than they helped them? >> i had one billionaire, a good friend and a person who's deeply passionate about --. >> stephen: great friend to have. billionaires are some of the best to have. >> i'd like to have ten or 15. romney had about 26. it turned out 26 billionaires beat one. this was a great revelation to us. (laughter) so i think romney --. >> stephen: sounds like a great reality show "billionaire fight." (laughter) >> we just had it, it was called the election. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it's not going to get better than that. newt gingrich, thank you so much. speaker newt gingrich. the book isst ,x
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